11.22.23
Singularity. That’s the word of the day. I don’t mean it singularly as the strict, collegiate definition of it, but what I think it means when I hear it. I do that a lot with words. I don’t know if it’s because my parents primarily spoke Spanish and Greek at home growing up — English being the third language usually only used with schoolwork and while friends were over — or maybe I just never cared about the reality with words and always wanted them to be a loose idea of themselves. I’m assuming that makes it hard for people trying to have real conversations with me when I just make some shit up and throw it out within my own definition. How the fuck should anyone guess what I mean instead of what the words truly imply, their only actual purpose! Eh, whatever.
This whole thought started while watching a documentary about making pasta. I always feel like I’m hyper focused and dedicated to my hobbies and interests, but the reality is that I’m more obsessive about them. Then I started thinking about the difference. Dedication to something feels more honorable. The genuine act of dedicating yourself with every skill, knowledge and creativity available with the goal of honoring whatever it is in its highest and most true form. That involves learning, practicing, sacrifice. It demands attention and clarity. Obsession on the other hand feels more like every concept of dedication without the motivation, attention span or priority. Maybe more of a desire to control and own whatever it is rather than serve and respect it? That hurts to write out but it does make sense. Something as close to home as guitar playing. I love amps, specifically old amps that have broken in their own way over the years and now have their own sound. I’m obsessed with them but I can’t tell you how they work … not even name half the components correctly. I could never ever fix one, but I still talk about how much I love them and what a hobby it is for me. Dedication to amps would be a lifelong pursuit of figuring out the absolute best way to honor whatever I’m trying to create or even re-create … even just preserve. Instead, I look for good deals on cool shit and regurgitate things I’ve heard people who know more than me say. Like I’m trying to control my knowledge and grasp on amps rather than serve it. It’s a want to know, rather than HAVE to know. You get it.
Initially, I considered whether the difference was hobby vs. career, but that’s all too vague and both of them can cross paths. Usually, after I’ve thought about something for long enough and come to my conclusion I’ll go back to the original idea to see how it holds up. That’s usually when I spiral and this time was no different, yasssss. At what point does obsession obscure someone’s ability to become dedicated. Since most of obsession is within thoughts, at what point do we obsess over the want so heavily that we become frustrated and hopeless, scared that we never will. When it comes to ourselves, how quickly do we shut out our own capabilities and hyper focus on the end result rather than process. Humans can accomplish insane feats. If you asked me how long someone can hold their breath for, 24 minutes would not be my first answer, but someone did it! That’s not an interest I have or anything, just the first example I could think of.
When I was young I thought I was going to be a professional BMX rider. Street riding was my thing and I was always pedaling around downtown Miami with the older kids grinding little curbs and … at school I’d bring my little DansComp catalog (BMX supply spot) and build bikes all day in my notebooks. Different frames and handlebars and Alex triple wall rims and “holy shit Primo makes tires in different colors now, back to the drawing board.” I’d watch allll the Road Fools VHS tapes I had over and over: Etnies Forward, Nowhere Fast … Little Devil - Criminal Mischief was my visual bible. I knew all companies, riders, parts … I could talk about box all day but I didn’t know how to fix my bike beyond the frequent basics and I was too scared to try the really big tricks, gaps and rails to push me to a level of mastery. I was obsessed with BMX but I failed because I wasn’t dedicated to it.
Think about it when applied to people, being dedicated to someone sounds a hell of a lot more safe and honoring than being obsessed with someone. Nobody wants anyone to be obsessed with anyone … it’s unhealthy. Now it just feels like I’m trying to convince you. The point of all of this is that I’m going to start focusing on little changes like this. To remind myself: motivated over preoccupied with an idea. Being practical, rather than haunted, by a goal. The fear, anxiety and hopelessness isn’t foreshadowing of failure and inability. It’s a symptom of heading into a project with the wrong approach. I’m not writing this down to convince you or “teach” anyone anything. I’m writing it down in hopes that it’ll stick with me a little more each time I repeat it.
Maybe I’m just making my own meanings for words again … this brings us to the end. Singularity … specifically in the context of dedicating yourself to a career or hobby so whole-heartedly that it is your life. It sacrifices every other possibility for the pursuit of it. It makes us weird to anyone that isn’t involved with your specific interest and absolutely alienates anyone who doesn’t understand it. I guess that’s where the depth of the two words above comes into play. Maybe the goal is to surround ourselves with friends, family and loves that either understand it or respect it as a genuine part of you. Who the fuck knows? Just something to think about and come to your own conclusion for your needs.
I hope you all believe in yourselves and find someone to guide you through low points when needed.
Always yours,
Danny K.
Records I’ve been listening to:
Prof - Horse
Rattlesnake Milk - Chicken Fried Snake
Joshua Burnside - Into the Depths of Hell
Elizabeth Color Wheel - Nocebo
Heriot - Profound Morality
Cruel Diagonals - Fractured Whole
Kali Malone - The Sacrificial Code
Andrew Duhan - Emerald Blue
Karen Dalton - In My Own Time
Uboa - The Origin of My Depression
Benny The Butcher - Tana Talk 4
Tornillo - Cactus
Jake Xerxes Fussell - What in the Natural World
Recent books:
“Satan Is Real: The Ballad of the Louvin Brothers” by Charlie Louvin
“Country: The Twisted Roots of Rock N’ Roll” by Nick Tosches
“S.” by Doug Dorst
Artists I’ve been enjoying:
Sun Yuan & Peng You
Ana Mendieta
Chris Burden
Joseph Beuys
Henry Peach Robinson
Eikoh Hosoe